Category: Dating and Relationships
All the people I've dated up to this point in my life were within driving or walking distance from where I lived. I've been meeting many people all over the country recently. I'm just curious about what your take is on distance relationships, because that might be a possibility for me. Do they work? Any suggestions?
long distant relationship (LDR) is not for everyone. It takes alot of trust, patient, confident, and more in order for it to truely work. There's no lightning result. often you need to cope with loneliness, etc etc.
However, if you can get LDR to work, if you have all the things to take to make it work, it will be fruitful at the end of the journey.
I've tried it and it definitely wasn't for me. I'm a big believer that when you're with someone as more than a friend you need to spend time with each other on a reasonably regular basis even if it isn't several times a week. Long distane makes that almost impossible, especially if the other person's hundreds or thousands of miles away.
Long distance is difficult, but I've been in a relationship like that for over a year. We didn't work out, but the long distance wasn't the reason for that. Not really. The person I was dating ended up having some mental issues I don't want to get into on here. But what I can tell you about lond distance relationships is this. It's difficult when you miss the person and you want him or her to be near you at any given moment. Talking on the phone, instant messenger and skype can cause two people to become closer than they are when dating in person in some cases. A local relationship tends to be more physical while an LDR tends to be more intellectually and emotionally driven. You need to be a great communicator and a very creative person. You need to be able to keep the flame burning even though you are mies apart, and eve if you can do it, there's no garentee that your partner can bare the distance. If it's going to be a long-term thing, you need to keep in mind that there needs to be a realistic goal of it becoming a local relationship. One of you may need to move to where the other is, and almost always this is a difficult feat for one or both partners. I can think of a few LDR's that didn't work out for this very reason. And then all you have to show for it is a handful of bittersweat memories, a conflicted breakup, and a bunch of what-if scenarios. Bottom line, it's a risk-- a big risk, but in the right circumstances, it's worth taking.
P.S: my current relationship started out as a LDR. Now we are living together and have a four-month-old baby. So take from that what you will.
I have done one and it was okay, but I learned I need her local, or if we are going to do a LDR we need to travel. I'm not willing to wait a year faithfully for someone I've never touched. 3 4 months and someone has to travel.
to poster 4, can't said it better myself as far as LDR is concern.
A number of couples who met on the zone and started out as long distance relationships are now married. Check out the zone couples post. You might have to do a bit of searching for it, but reading through it will show you that some LDR's can work out. We've even had couples get married who used to live on different continents, not just in different cities or states.
That must take a lot of flexibility and patience on both sides, but I guess it's not impossible. That's crazy how people from different continents hook up and it works out, but if it works that's great.
LDR's are not easy.... there's a lot of trust and open communication needed on the part of both parties in the relationship.
Am in my second LDR at the moment... the first one ended after 5 years, when he dumped me via email because he didn't like the fact that a) I lived so far away and b) he had to spend his precious holiday time coming to visit me instead of the theme parks in Florida.... yes, folks... I dated someone who valued theme parks more than a girlfriend/potential wife.
The second one will be a year old in late September. We see each other every 10-12 weeks, but text and talk on the phone every day.
Hopefully the LD part of the relationship will be over by Columbus Day this fall... we'll find out by the end of next month if it is or not. As long as everything goes to plan, we will be married by 4pm G M T on Saturday November 3rd, 2012 exactly 1 year after we figured out that there were mutual feelings for each other.
Aww, @Westcoastcdngrl, hope it works out for you. Dumped via email? Really? Wow... After five years, I'd certainly expect at least a lousy freaking phone call. Damn. I don't know the guy, but seems like sort of a loser. And a coward. You don't dump someone via email that you've been with for five years. Five weeks, maybe. But even that is scummy. Five days--Almost reasonable. Fine. But five years.. ugh. Good luck this time around though. Cheers!!
UGH, Kate! I had NO idea re. your previous relationship! Sound slike you have a keeper, though!
I did the LDR thing once or twice... my last one was when I was 17, I think, and I can't even remember who broke up with whom and why. He got married, and then I caught up with him on facebook just before his wife decided to leave him and their kids. Very sad...
I know it can work out.. but I myself was never cut out for it.
That's cool. Hope everything works out.
When it comes to romantic relationships, I don't believe I am cut out for the long-distance kind either. I admit: in that department, wanting to sit by her, hear her voice, touch her hair, or even just being in the same room doing different things, is far too important to me. I don't believe I could develop strong enough feelings for a woman I had never personally met.
Of course, you never know until you try, and I won't be doing that any time soon seeing as I am married.
But in no way does that make someone shallow, if they realize they cannot do the long-distance thing, play the long-distance waiting game, etc. Now of course that would be different if the wife's career takes her away from home for extended periods of time, but we already have bonded with each other for many years.
I'm just talking about meeting someone, attaching to them, and calling it a relationship all online.
Definitely voice calls would help solidify things, though.
I'm definitely one who isn't cut out for the long distance thing, either. although, when I was younger, I idealistically thought otherwise.
I've done an LDR before, but the guy and I actually met in person and were together for about 8 months until I graduated high school. Then it became a long distance thing. We tried it for a little over a year, mostly talking via phone and email of course, because he still lacked and was too scared to learn the necessary skills to travel anywhere independently and compromising was almost impossible. I finally decided it was best to break it off if only one person was wanting to work it out. But no, i don't think I could start dating someone that I haven't met before. The person that I'm with now started out as a long distance friendship but we didn't start dating until we actually met.
I can do the distance thing, but there had better be plans to meet in person as soon as possible. should I find that my partner isn't as serious about meeting up as I am, I have no problem breaking it off.
was in a LDR for 2 years. but with neither of us having a job, and other various issues when we realized it might not work we broke up. for me, it was the right thing to do, even though i know she's hurting like hell.
Back when I was not maried I did once have a long distance relation but I did not like cause I never got to see the other person.
I do not think it works all of the time to be in that sitution cause a person wants to be together but that is my oponion but you can do what is best for you.
I've never been in a long distance relationship, but from what I've heard from others who have been, it only truly works when both parties are 100 percent committed to making it work.
I'm in one currentely in one now. but it is worth it. it will be 14 months. this year. but it has worked for me. and it is so worth it in the end. no matter. what. i've got god on my side. through this.
I have been in a few long distants relationships, honestly its not for me and married now wont be planning to be in one at all.
@Poster 19 Isn't that the case for any relationship?
I have no problems with long-distance relationships. I have been in four of them, and I met 3 of the guys before dating them. They were all enjoyable for the most part.
I would not say that ldrs are better than local relationships for me, but for some reason, my ldrs have been the longer term relationships. Right now, I just feel that lrds are less of a hassle.
I completely echo Raven's last post. if both people aren't committed to the relationship whether it's long distance or local, it won't work. period.
i have had a long distance relationship but it didnt work. But if u have the strength inside to make it work then it will work
all of yall advice was really helpful to me and i'm going to see my friend pretty soon...
Ryan, read my posts on a similar topic if you haven't.
I wouldn't get into an ldr if I know for a fact that there's no way of ever meeting up in person which is why I used to have doubts about it when I first tried it for the first time. but of course the one I'm currently in started out as an ldr, we are now living together of course. Also, I never was and if I were single again, never would be interested in getting into an ldr that is out of the country as it's difficult for me to travel to see my partner. I'm the type that wants to have a lot of personal time where we could be physically near each other which just makes coping with the emotional aspects easier for me.
as I said on the other topic, which is so similar that these too should be merged, is that, no, I think it's much better to not do them, because you can't know who they are truly know what they are like all the time, and can't see their friends and hang out with them often to examine what they are like and what the person is like. there's a lot of factors that is not as accessible when they are further away.
Hi,
I can do the LDR thing with no problems. Sure, there's the loneliness to cope with, which sucks, etc. As far as I'm concerned, if both parties are 100 percent committed to making it work, it can and will work. For me, it requires communication every day or nearly so, plus tons of trust and patience. If both partners are committed to ending the distance and can agree on a time they want to end the distance by, that is also key. I personally think you have to be an awesome communicator to have a long distance relationship and if one person or both people, are not great communicaters, then they'd better learn how to be good communicaters. In my opinion, if you're going to be in an LDR and don't/can't communicate, then you don't have much.
Take Care,
Dawnielle
Yes Dawnielle you have a point there, but I still prefer closer relationships to ldr's. They're a lot easier in my opinion.
No matter what. you have to be commited to the partner. and such. if you have god on your side. it can work. etc.
Maybe, but not everyone is religious which isn't the main point of this topic for sure.
I would have never met my wife had it been for long-distance relationships. They are probably not for everyone but I wouldn't scoff at them, especially since I'm not a guy who's so outgoing and who is more the eccentric square peg and not the trendy or fashionable sort. It would take a special woman to put up with a nerd like me. LOL!
I'm completely agreeing with post28.
If someone is having no patiency, no trust, mainly no interest with ldr, it won't work out.
Raaj.
To me, it doesn't matter if you have a long distant relationship. With me, all that matters is that both parties need to be 100 percent committed to sacrafises and other things but I guess you could use Facebooks, Skypes, Chatting Systems and Phone Calls.
Whiles I'm not oppose to it, I would personally prefer to have someone in my area, like my wonderful girlfriend :)
I think personally, that a non-long distance relationship would definitely be easier, however, i've never found anyone not long distance who was interested in me. i've known nothing but long distance relationships. I live with my most recent ex for seven years. long story as to why it didn't work out, but we started out as being long distance. The ex I had who was the closes to me physically, was still at least 40 minutes away by car. He was sighted, but couldn't drive, due to another disability, so he still had to depend on people to drive him places. Consequently, we didn't see each other much. So, it's a good thing I can handle the distance because that's what I seem to find, lol.
Take Care,
Dawnielle
Was in an LDR with a woman over 2000 miles away, several timezones away and in another contry. she couldn't get on much to the internet, and we couldn't have the constant talk time like we used to when we first got togetherish. and we ended up breaking up the day after my 25th birthday. after 2 years. and leaves me now not wanting another relationship, online. and no physical relationship will be in the near future so blaah. i is not a happy draggy.
i wouldn't mind sex for sex's sake but i'm demented that way.
we knew we wouldn't meet, and it started as a mutual thing the break up. but still we were both hurt from it.
Yeah. It's definetly hard when you have a connection with someone who you know would be hard to meet in person. That's one of those things you have to consider beforehand.
I believe that if one has the maturity to handle it, to be trusting and to nurture the relation, you can be across the ocean if you wish
I think it's pointless though if you will never meet them. Not everyone has the money to travel from here to Australia, and how can you commit yourself to someone that much if you never met them first?
I agree. If you'll never meet the person, you don't have a relationship with them. A friendship, sure. Maybe even one with a lot of flirting. But you can't commit yourself to that person, or say you're dating if you haven't met them.
Yes, I have said the same and agree with the last posters. If she is someplace I can travel it works. Even if she is on the other side of town, but for whatever reason we don't or can't meet it won't work for me.
We are only dating after we have visited in person, before that, we are just internet/phone/letter writing friends.
while it still remains true that LDR's will never work for me, I'll add that I'm in complete agreement about not saying you're in a relationship with someone you've never met. it has been my experience that in doing so, you'll quickly find reasons it won't last.
If you choose people in reasonable places, such as if you live in the US and that person does too, its easy to meet. You just both need to decide and do it.
I always wonder why I can't meet a person that claims she is interested in me.
I talked to a lady for almost 2 years and she lives about 60 miles from me. Everytime I'd plan something she'd get sick, the dog would die, her kid would not have a sitter.
I ask her if she wasn't married or something. Lol
Meeting people online can be intimidating. Maybe not so much for some people, but for me it is. now, I would never lead someone on for two years, but whenever I start talking to someone online, my first impulse is to second guess everything they say. I'm paranoid by nature. I know that someone can just as easily not be who they say they are in real life, too, but there's an element of uncertainty that talking to someone you've never actually met has that is very disconcerting to me. That's why I just come to this site to post on the boards, and have the chat feature disabled.
Dan, aka harp and i are proof long distance relationships can work! we met on here, he lived in the uk and i in the states! They do take a lot of work, as do any true relationship! you have to be willing to travel and make sure that happens. if one of you aren't willing, or can't move, then your fooling yourself in thinking it's going to work. long distance isn't easy! but like i said if it's meant to be, then it will work! Trust, determination, love, friendship, is all a must! good luck!
you both have to share the same core values, too, though. for instance, if one person needs sex regularly, and the person they're with doesn't see its importance, there's no compromising there.
If we can b together once a month then it will work. if not then it won't
Long distance relationships can work. Yes travelling can be expensive, but as long as both people can communicate on a regular basis in between time ...
I agree with some posters. If both of you are committed to having it work, then it will. Compromise is also important, and, it's important for both to be on the same page, and have a goal to make it work. Everything and everyone has a limit, if I wait too long, or he waits too long till we both are able to meet, then one of us might feel we'd break it off, because there isn't compromise from one or both people. Also, trust, lots of trust is needed to make it work, and if it's rather difficult in a local relationship, it's twice as hard in a ldr. Oh, and patience is escential too. Not all ldrs work, just as local relations don't either. It depends on both individuals, and if they can handle them the right way for both of them.
I'm seeing jack, with whom I started as a ldr. While I was there and he was here, we'd call each other all the time, write each other, and we'd talk about how we both wish we were closer, how we both needed each other. Being apart was difficult for the both of us, and we were both getting impationt and rather frustrated at the situation. Now that we're both here, and live closer, he calls me only when he remembers he has someone waiting for him, he's too busy to see me, and, we've not given each other the chance to be as close as we said we were while we were apart. What I mean with this example, (not personal), is that sometimes we think that we might feel close to a person, without knowing him/her well enough to make it even better now that one's closer. But this doesn't happen all the time. Now if Jack would call me every day like he'd do when we were much more further, if I'd see him on a regular basis and we're committed to making it work, then, it was worth waiting and being apart.
I have experienced both ldr and local relationships but unfortunately none of them were successful though recently i was in a ldr and we were together just on 3 years though we never got to meet one another we did try to but were unsuccessful and yes it is true that you need to have the right resources such as money, family support cause if you don't then you won't be able to get very far and then hearts have to be broken as like mine has but i'm glad to hear of those who's ldr have worked, smiles.
It takes a special kind to make a long-distance relationship work. As I've said in other topics I've tried it severaltimes, enough to know that it doesn't work for me. I actually had a girl from Spain want to go out with me once, but it's hard enough having an LDR with someone in your own country.
I am currently in a long-distance relationship that is nearly a year and a half old. I really do think we have something very special and if we don't work out I'll be very surprised. However, I'm not sure if I'm cut out for such relationships in general; if this one failed, I'd find it hard to do it again. The loneliness can be crushing to deal with at times. Chelsea also brought up an excellent point in an earlier post; you need to have the same values, otherwise it just won't work.
I don't personally see a lot of point in a long-distance relationship that is never meant to ultimately end in the two partners living together or at least moving closer to each other, but that's my personal preference, nothing more.
I agree with a lot of things said. It does take a special person to do an ldr and it really takes a special person for me to want to do an LDR. It really depends on your situations of this weird thing we call love.
Agreed. It's like Queen says. Crazy little thing called love.
I have had both kinds of relationships, and honstly the longdistance ones work the best. I was in college and too busy for boys. Now that circumstances are different, i have my own place and work, who knows.
Well, take a step up and go for men. Lol jk. It's good to have your own place though. At least you'll have a place for a possible future partner to stay, should one work out.
Yeah. You're obviously one of those for whom it has worked. I just happen to be one for whom so far it hasn't.
Like I said, if local relationships are complecated, ldr's are, I think, twice as difficult! And yes it does take a special person to want to be able to commit and make it work, amongst other aspects, regardless of distance.
I never call it a LTR or relationship until we meet.
The lady I spoke to 2 years lived a whole 60 miles. It was an interest, not a relationship.
If we can't meet, we have something good to talk about, and we are good friends.
After we meet, then we can say.
They can, and do work however, and I'd do another one.
I definitely agree about not calling it a true romantic relationship until we can meet. I've tried that before and it's never ended well.
never done long distance, not really considered it. I think there is a difference in being attracted to someone and having a bit of fun than a relationship. I think that's where a lot of problems may lay, yes if you build up interest and eventually meet and it works that's great. But I haven't yet seen it working for me,
I agree with wayne and brian. You can't really call it a relationship till you actualy meet in person. You can express mutual interest, and you can even build up an intense emotional connection, but until you meet face to face and spend some time together, I dont' think it's fair to commit to each other when you haven't really seen the whole package yet, so to speak.
Yeah. The other person might turn out to have a large number of bad or at least irritating habits. Or they may decide you do.
Hmmm. I understand that sort of concern, but that's also possible with someone you might meet in person though. I believe any relationships don't start off as romantic deep ones, as I've mentioned on another topic.
Yes, but the difference when you meet them in your city, is you get to date them and learn about these things as you learn about them.
Online, you are only learning what they want you to see, or the side of them they wish to let out.
In person you get the complete picture, and so can enjoy them.
Next, neither person has traveled so if they don't enjoy you can simply go home.
Example, I dislike untidyness. It bothers me to the extreme.
Now talking with a girl online I don't get to see her kitchens a mess,. I don't know she's got mold growing in the bathtub. I don't ask if she did all the laundry, or just enough to get by.
Now, it is true that I could take care of all this stuff if we get together, but untidy people also tend not to care for things well. Maybe we buy new stuff, and she puts her dinner plate down on it or something.
Many other things, so I lean on a relationship is only a good friendship until we hook up.
Now, sure, she'll say she's tidy, that is because she might think she is. I've dated local women that believe they keep house, and I can't go to the bathroom without stepping on the used female items everplace. But they think so.
It is different.
Wayne, your right on, and by the way, disgusting about the bathrooms. lol. Get them to clean, naked, while you watch. lol
You think the reward after she cleans will be enough incentive huh?
Lol.
No, they can still keep things like that hidden unless you move in with them quickly or if you don't get to see their place. It depends on the situation. Of course someone can't hide things as easily, but I don't believe that's a good enough reason to say online relationships are a disaster waiting to happen. Some have worked out, just as some local ones do and don't.
Ryan, no one's saying online relationships are a disaster. We're saying that online relationships need to be validated with a physical meeting in order to become an actual relationship.
Plus Ryan, if I can't see her place, we don't have a complete relationship, and I'd want to know why?
If it is just sex, and she can honestly go out in public, I might not wonder about why I can't see her place, but that be all it was, nothing more at all.
I need to see her place, or it just isn't happening.
Give me 5 good reasons why I can't? Lol
Exactly. It's much harder to learn about that sort of thing when you're in a long distance relationship.
Gotchya. yeah, I'd try to make it a point to see that person soon as possible in person
Hi all! :) I would like to throw in my views on long distance relationships. :) I am in one at the current time for 10 months now! He is a wonderful guy, and I couldn't be happier! :) We do our best to see each other as much as we can, and each time is so marvelous! :) I can't even begin to explain how much more richer and fulfilling my life is with him as a part of it! :) I now know that true love exists, because I have found the man I have been looking for since I was a child! :) He is my match in every way! :) We met on the zone, and we instantly clicked! :) We have a chemistry that is like magic! :) I know we have a future together, because he is ready to make a commitment to me! :) He is willing to move closer to me now, so seeing each other will be less expensive and we would have more time to make memories, then spend it on a plane lol. Anyway seriously, I am totally for long distance relationships! :) They are well worth it if you both give all of your time and devotion to seeing and being with one another, it will be one of the best decisions you will ever make! :) So get out there, find the one you love, pull them into your arms, hold them tight, and never let them go. Peace and love to all! :)
Sincerely, poetry in motion
Belatedly, it seems to me that every complaint lodged against a long distance relationship also applies to a local relationship. Its just that in a local relationship the issues or concerns are easier to resolve. I don't think we can go so far as saying that you can't call it a relationship until you meet simply based on the fact that you don't know if that person picks up their underwear or not. By that logic, nothing is ever a relationship because there is always something new to learn about your partner.
You can say that you don't know if the relationship will work or not, but you can't say it isn't a relationship. But then, if we based the terminology on whether it will work or not, every relationship that doesn't last until death isn't a relationship at all because it didn't work. You would also have to define specifically what the perameters of the term "work" are. You have a long way left to go with your logic before your point is made I think.
A distance relationship, met or not, has the same likelihood of failing or not failing as a local one, just different attributes. They are different, not opposing.
One of the best analyses of the issue I've ever seen. You put it better than I could have. Thank you, Cody.
Yes, that was put rather well I have to say.
If someone wants to hide something about their life, a bad habit, an addiction, a problem, or what ever, They can... Sometimes, even for years. You hear personal accounts of people all the time who met their BF/GF in hi school, dated them all threw university, and only a year after they got married and moved in with one another found out that the person was addicted to a life destroying drug, or was a dealer, nor had a criminal past, or even something as simple as can't manage their money, or has no ambition. The honest fact of the matter is, their are a lot of things we tamp down about ourselves, every one of us, until we know the other person is committed. Its not even really a conscious thing, we all, as humans just wish to impress, to court, to make ourselves look as attractive as possible.
Only once the newness rubs off, do you really find out what someone is really made of. You've got to get past the glammer, and the ooh, ah, I really want to bone this girl, and then build a life together stage, before you really start noticing all the red flags, in some cases. Fact is, books are rarely completely represented by their covers.
I've done the LDR thing a few times. met up with the two longest running ones. I do agree that its not something I could do with just anyone, even if I had an interest. I also know that the people need to really meet, and make it physically official, before some aspect of the relationship really is set in stone. You can be infatuated with the idea of a person, but meeting in the first year needs to be a realistic priority, if possible, sooner. I'm not saying a relationship is any less valid before you've physically met, but I am saying that in some situations, and aspects, its a bit less settled, and a bit less real. Sometimes people are completely different animals in person, than online. What you think you're buying may not be what you really have. I know of several people that have described themselves differently online than I've actually found them to appear, or act in person.
I think the point to all this nonsense is that its a complicated balancing act, and that you can't count your eggs before they hatch.
You contradicted yourself. You say in the first paragraph that you can't know someone until you live with them for a long time. Then you say that until you meet there are parts of the relationship which are less real. So, once you meet, its all real, but you won't know how real until you live with someone for a year or more? Are there sliding scales of realness? What makes a local relationship automatically real as opposed to the long distance relationship? After all, you just said yourself that you don't actually know someone until you've lived with them for a year. So wouldn't the local one be just as unreal as the long distance one until you've lived with them for a year?